Day 10

A friend of mine is a Messianic Jewish Rabi named Glen. We were talking today about how deep cleansing can be painful. He was telling me about how his 14 year old son had recently fallen off his bike and had to be taken to the emergency room for 13 stitches. He described in great detail how the EMT held the cut open and poured antiseptic into in and dug deeper and scrubbed the wound. He said it seemed brutal, and yet, he knew that he HAD to do it. If he didn't, if he just washed it a little and stitched his son back up, it may become infected or gangrenous and his son may even suffer more by literally loosing his arm all together.

I was thinking about that in light of spiritual healing and healing of something as mysterious as my broken heart.

See, yes, I'm committed to healing. Yet, I'm still afraid to allow the Lord to open my wound up again and get into my bloody, ripped up pain and pick out every particle of debris that blew into my life when my life was ripped about.

So-I'm going to do it, right now and I encourage you to do the same.
What do we have to loose, right?
So-here goes.

Some of my painful debris is this:
I remember that after a day of picking though the rubble trying to find anything we wanted to keep, I felt like a had a million tiny invisible shards of glass stuck all over me. It hurt.

I remember that for at least a year after the tornado, I could hear my own voice screaming at the top of my lungs as a constant back-ground noise in my head.

I remember that for a moment-I considered going totally completely crazy and thought "it would be okay to be locked up in a hospital for the rest of my life." But I chose not too, because someone had to be sane
for my daughter and I wasn't convinced that my ex-husband was.

I remember finding my mothers denture on the floor of what was the kitchen.

I remember hearing my father's voice say "KABOOOOOOM"! and thinking "is this real?"

I remember feeling rapped by the media who had camera's so big that they could up-close photograph me from a mile away.

I remember wondering why the Christian youth group who showed up to clear away the wreckage looked like they had stars in their eyes and being REALLY mad when the youth group leader told me I should quit smoking.

I remember being afraid that the rain would come and ruin the pictures I was trying to find.

I remember finding the coat my mother always work in the mess of it all and picking it up and smelling it. It smelled like she was wearing it. It smelled like she was in it. I will never ever forget that smell-like cigarettes and este' lauder and dirt and good food and I wish i would have kept it because it is the closest I will be to her until heaven.

I remember thinking "I'm going to look very old when this is done."

I remember eating warm cashew nuts and knowing that I was ruining them for myself forever.

I remember a lot.

And it hurts.

Right now my heart is in pain. The pain is about the size of a grapefruit.
I am going to stop now and take three deep breaths and invite the Lord to fill my pain with his healing.

(pause)

Those were the hardest breaths of the Healing Season so far.
In the middle of breathe two I stopped and said "Lord, I really want this"
Now my pain in my heart is about the size of my fist (I have small hand)
Healing can be hard-but living broken is a lie and I want to be free of it.

Prayer:
Lord, Hold my hand on this journey. Guide me. Direct me. Show me what to do and give me the strength to do it. Your will is for the healing of your people and you called me to be your daughter and I am so very grateful for that.
You say in your word that by YOUR stripes, WE are healed. I believe in the supernatural exchange you made on the cross, Jesus. I believe. I am willing to heal.
I want to heal. I need to heal so that I can be in balance with my family and my church and my community and my co-workers and most importantly with you.
Jesus, you are the healer. Heal me. Heal me. Heal me and let me help others know your healing.

Isaiah 53:5
But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.