There are a couple of things that I am processing. One is how to feel sadness, pain and that lonesome "missing them" feeling, and not invite the black whole back into my chest. The Lord filled up the 11 year broken spot in me about 20 days ago. I can check in with that former emptiness and so for certain-it is gone. It is filled. It is healed and I give Him all the praise of glory for that. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Healer. Thank you Spirit. Thank you, JESUS! Amen?
Yet, there have been many times over that past 20 days, when I have missed them terribly and wanted to call them and wanted still to believe that they live. In those times I scan myself for the empty, broken, unhealed space in me and it is STILL now healed. Now I have to learn a new thing, which is how to miss them AND be healed.
My friend, Patty (an amazing author of a book on Psalm 23) predicted this. She said something like, "It's still going to hurt. You're still going to miss them. It will just be different." I'm starting to know what she was getting at. I think I'm learning what healing looks like. It's not the relief of all pain; it's more like being able to see the pain from a distance instead of having it bring me to my knees.
It would be easy right now to put a bow in this, but there's something I'm mad about and I want to work it out. The Healing Season is about going ALL IN. I think if I don't go all in-it will stay IN and either eat me alive or come out as meanness or mania or depression in one way or another. So, two things-
1. Whatever YOU are healing through right now, even if you feel GREAT today, I encourage you to dig deeper and see if there isn't another layer of 10 that need to be dealt with. Is there some other aspect of your Healing Season that needs to be brought to the cross? If so.
2. Bring it!
Here's one of mine.
Mom didn't die instantly. She laid on the trees and ground and debris, naked and covered by a blanket and the EMTs didn't help her. I hate that. I'm mad about it. I'm so mad I could scream and if one of them was here right now I'd probably say, "No, its okay. I understand." and I do. I've spoken with EMTs on the scene and asked why they didn’t help and the answer was something like "We didn't have any hope at all that she would survive. There were people who had a chance of living that we needed to help and so we went up a couple of houses and rescued a trapped baby."
Sure, I understand but I HATE it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate every stinking, messed up thing about that. It's not fair. It's nothing like fair or just or right that my beautiful, kind, giving, loving mother had to die alone in a heap of flesh and blood and dust for bones in a wreck of trees and dirt with not ONE person there to hold her. No one there to look her in the eyes and pray the Our Father. Not one person, let alone some one she knew saved loved to stroke her face and kiss her and tell her to go to Jesus. I hate it in every concievable way. I see no goodness in it and so I bring it to the cross.
Jesus- tell me that you were there with her. (I think He says He was) Now tell me why you didn't heal her (I think He says that it was her time to go)
Lord, help to remember that your ways are higher than mine. Help me to remember that you are good all the time. Help me to see your goodness in all circumstances. Lord, I know that you are not and were not unwilling to suffer-your suffering on the cross what bigger than I can image. I know that you wept when you lost your friend. It's just so hard to stand here between you coming and your kingdom coming. Help me to stand strong and see you. Help me to understand why (with the veil torn) I still can't see sometimes.
Mark 5:33-35 (New International Version)
33Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."