It's been a frustrating couple of days and I'm looking at that as a blessing. It's not just because I'm wearing my "Jesus Colored Glasses" it's because when I have REALLY frustrating, challenging days, what has had a tendency to happen is that that anger attaches itself to the anger I felt from loosing my folks, or from loosing my husband or from some weird childhood garbage or whatever. Instead of being able to process in a healthy way, I would allow it to grow to something much bigger and more intimidating than it needed to be. I would snap at my kids or my husband. I would get depressed and lay around in an emotional coma, I would drink alcohol and get drunk. This was extra true before I got saved and started to follow Jesus, but it was also true until only a couple of years ago when the Lord started to show me that that was in fact sinful and He began to whittle it away-Bless His name.
Yesterday and today have been the kind of days that could have sent me into those places. I was feeling over-worked and under appreciated. I hadn't had time to work out, the weather has been dark and dreary. What was really cool, is that the Lord has allowed me to notice the frustration in the situation and not become attached to it or allow it to borrow into my very hard and mind to overtake my peace. I have been able to say to the Lord, to my husband in some heated conversations and to myself "I just don't think this is fair." and at the same time as I'm doing it, check in with my heart and say "Are you still full? Are you still healed? Is the condition of my peace internally CHANGING based on the external stuff?" The true answer in NO. My heart's in tack. I am so very grateful for that.
Do I still need to exercise wisdom with the use of my time and energy? For sure.
Today is Wednesday-home group night, so I will be blessed with prayer. Tomorrow is Thursday, which makes the 11 year anniversary of the last time I spoke with my mother. That gives me a pit in my stomach.
My friend Patricia said that I will still miss them, when the healing comes, but it won't always be in the agonizing all-consuming, border of insanity kind of way. I am starting to learn what that feels like. I am learned how to live in the neighborhood of the broken and healed. I told a friend a few weeks ago, that the Healing Season wasn't about being all shiny and new like my pain never happened. It's about living fully with it. I said that when some people experience a loss, it's like (say for example) they have scar tissue in a deep old wound. For me, it had been more like having a severe break in my bones that were set in a cast and never came anywhere near healing. It was like walking around with a permanent body cast. Now, because God is great and mighty and merciful, my cast has been removed. I'm learning where the scars are and how to not re-injure myself or anyone else.
Yesterday and today were challenging days and I am grateful for them. They prove that I am stronger than I thought. They teach me how to be stronger. They force me to remember that even with a healing in me, He is still in charge. I still and will always need Him. He is my Rock and my strength and my shelter in the storms.
I've made a decision, when the weather gets scary outside, I'm going to force myself to go for a walk in it. I'm going to STAY out in it (even if it ruins a fabulous hair day) until I'm not dizzy or frightened. I'll let you know if it was a good idea after I try it.
Let's check in with our hearts and breath.
My heart feels full of Gods peace at the moment. There a little lump in my throat an in my stomach and I think it's because of the rain and tomorrow marking my last talk with Mom. I invite you to check in with your pain centers and see if you know what they may be linked to. Let's pause and invite the Healer in.
Lord,thank you for how far you have brought me. Thank you for the healing in my heart, in my mind, in my fiances, in my attitude, in the way I handle stress, in my marriage. God, be the god of my everything. Please help me enjoy the rain again. Help to to enjoy all of the different kinds of rain that life on this earth brings. Help me to trust you completely and to commit every corner of my heart and mind to your sovrenty.
Ephesians 4:25-27 (New International Version)
25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin"[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold.