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Monday, April 5, 2010

Day 22

Here's the truth.
My mother lived for a little while.
The first person who found her was a man named Bruce. He was a neighbor.
He said that she was naked in the rainy wreckage and he said that her body was "broken".

Let me back up. There was a rumor or legend in my family that Dad died instantly and was impaled in the trees (I've never been able to confirm this-only that he was found across the street in the trees). For a few years I believed that they both died instantly. When they'd been gone for about five years, my grandma told me that mom lived for a while. She said that when our family came to the wreckage, the neighbors came around and said that mom was alive for a while before she died. It grew into a family urban legend with all shorts of Catholic bells and whistles. The story went something like: Mom was alive for a little while and before the sun came up she wandered around looking for my dad and calling out for him and then at some point, she lost hope and life and some neighbor prayed the rosary with her and then she died.

Several years back, I did some fact checking on this story.

I was able to located the neighbor who found her. He's a very kind man named Bruce. He was, in fact, the first one to find my mother. His house was damaged, but he and his wife were fine and so Bruce, being trained as an EMT, headed out to help.
He found my mom. I interview Bruce and asked about everything because the details that my mind was creating had to be worse than the truth and if I was going to mourn something, I wanted it to be the truth of what happened.

Bruce said that he was only with Mom for a minute at most. He said that when he found her, she was naked. She said to him "This is how I sleep." Which, after turning it over in my head a million times, gives me some peace because if she was in pain, she would have said "Help. Help me!" or "My back, my leg" She said,"this is how I sleep." I honestly don't think that she was in physical pain. I also honestly know that she know that she WAS going to die.
Bruce covered her up and went to find an emergency worker.
I asked Bruce to describe her injuries and he hesitated to do so. I pressed him to because again I said, "what I am imagining is so brutal, that the truth cannot possibly be worse." Bruce proceeded to tell me that my mother had "no bones left" he said "You know how a Raggedy Ann doll is? She has a lot more form the your mother had."

At this point, I think it would be helpful for me (and you if you are working to heal) to check in on my heart and it's pain.


Right now, my heart hurts. It hurts and I am mad. I am mad and sad and I want to scream. I can't even come close to it. Jesus, you are good and I don't understand the Father. Father, you are good, and I don't understand. Why is death and destruction and atonement part of the deal? I really don't get it. I understand that you are sovereign. I understand that your ways are higher that mine. I thank you for healing my emptiness, but I do not get you or your way and I have a very hard time digesting what you have done. Why did you have to wreck her? Why? She was an amazing woman who loved you. She was the best person I've ever know. She was YOUR servant. Is it a reward to her? Is it? Was IT? I can accept that-not that it matters.

I miss her. You know that,right? I miss her and my friends miss her. My kids who's never met her miss her. Did you have to do this to save me? Did you? Was it worth it? A couple of other things....I death is defeated...I'm just sayin'

I'm going to invite Jesus and His spirit into my heart right now and ask Him to fill this pain.

Right now the pain is at like a 4-5 in it's in my heart about the size of my fist.


Would you believe that after that sort pause of 4 breathes-my pain is at a 1-2.

Thank you, Lord.

I thank you, Father, that I can be honest with you. I thank you that I can come to you in anger and confusion and that you hear me and heal me. Lord, treat me like a rose bush. Prune away what isn't needed for my best and Yours so that the best in me can flower for the best in You. Glory to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

Scripture: 1 Kings 19:11-12

Then he was told, "Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by."
A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

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