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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Day 4

Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Healing Season
Last night at house group (the group of Jesus followers who I hook up with to study the Bible and pray together) I got prayer for the first time since the Healing Season began.
I must say, I really appreciate the courage of anyone who is willing to pray with me and for me, because I know that when I let my guard down and me really "doing the work" it can be tough stuff.
My neighbor was my prayer partner. She's a wisp of a your 20 something and she was brave and bold in such a simple and unaffected way. I thank God for her.
The Lord gave me several private and helpful images in that prayer time and I thank Him for that.

One thing she brought up, was the idea that so many people are grateful for the beginning of Spring and it meaning new life and freshness and how, for me, it has the opposite meaning.
I dread it.
I am doing this journey, in part, to get my Spring back.
To NOT water my plants in with tears.

I was thinking about how, for me, it's Spring. I was also thinking about how some people mourn at Christmas, so instead of having the sound of birds bring about grief, maybe it's bells or the smell of pine. Some in the Autumn, so pumpkin pie may make them cry unexpectedly. For some, the warm beating sun may suddenly unravel them.
Pain is pain and that's why I want to acknowledge that I'm sharing this for the benefit of the all and not out of some narcissistic urge to expose myself.

Two tornado's have stuck this week. One was Monday and one was yesterday. They were in plains states and I know that at least one person died.
I don't know if it was a man or woman or child, I just know what the world knows.

When my tornado came, I was working for a news radio station and as I knew that my parents were dead and I was being driven by a friend to Cincinnati to meet my brother, I was listening to the radio. My station-where they knew me and knew my parents had been killed hours ago-were reporting the story like this "Two people lost their lives."
I wanted to scream.
They had names.
They were Lee and Jacque Cook.
So let me say now, my parents were names Leon Edmon Cook and Jacquelyn Kathleen Cook and they were amazing.
My father was a genius and an environmental pioneer and my mother was a social worker and a social justice activist and an amazing mother and cook and they loved each other and the loved me and my brother.
We loved them.

When my brother told me that they were dead, I didn't believe him. I made him let me talk to the EMT who had them in his truck. To this day, I still have a hard time believing that they won't just call me someday and say that they are fine and just had a really hard time finding me.

During prayer time with my church group I told them that I think that my brain itself my be broken, a little. It feels that way, for sure.
My prayer partner said immediately, "That's not true." Like I said, she's simple and bold. I am going to believe her. In my heart, though, it still feels like the truth. My brain feels broken. My heart still feels broken.

Right now, my pain is in my chest. It's in my heart. It's about the size of a grapefruit. I'm going to stop for a moment and invite the Lord to fill this empty broken, bleeding mess of of heart.
I'm going to take three deep breaths and invite the Lord to fill me with His peace.


Now the pain is about the size of a small lime and it's much less intense, but I have a huge lump in my throat and an upset stomach. I'm going to breathe three more deep breaths.


I am much, much better.
There is healing power in the breath.

Lord, I thank you for my family of believers. I thank you for friends who aren't afraid of my pain. I pray that my journey will not be a burden on them. Father, I ask in Jesus name that you will give me chances to bless other people the way that they bless me. For those who don't know you and don't have a family in Christ, I pray that you will provide that for them.
Father, I know that you are the God of salvation. You lead the people of Israel from bondage and slavery to hope and freedom.
I am trusting you to do the same with me and my brokenness.

When I am weak, you are strong. This is a great chance for you to show strong. You are great and mighty Lord and I trust you with my broken heart.

Thank you, that you are my Lord and my help, my strengths, my joy, my peace and my ever present help.

In times when I struggle with hopelessness, I pray that you will remind me of my breathe and that I will come to you.

In Jesus name,

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Posted by Shannyn Caldwell at 2:37 PM

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