Guess what God did? He sent me a new friend. Here name is Patricia. Before I tell you about her, though, I have to tell you about what happened at house group a couple of weeks ago.
Remember, the plan for this Healing Season is getting prayed for at my bible study on Wednesdays and at church on Sunday and writing at least once a day-more if I'm freaking out. So-two weeks ago I'm at small group and my friend Ali is praying for me. Among other things, she asked the Lord to send me an older woman who could be like a mother to me.
I have to say that when she prayed this, I sort of recoiled a bit. When my mom and dad died, I used to ask the Lord for the same thing. I would look everywhere for someone who could fill that role in my life. At the time I was very depressed and in therapy. This therapist was recommended by a friend and she was unlike any councilor I'd ever met with. She started at the very beginning of my life with "What's the first memory you have." and worked her was through every darn hangnail I'd ever had in my life. At $50 a pop (she was cutting me a deal cuz we were broke) I was getting tired of it. Honestly-I'd been seeing her twice a week for four weeks and I was only up to telling her what was up with the kids in my apartment complex when I was in 3rd grade. I made a decision. I'm taking control of the next session. I'm not here to heal because Mom didn't come on the field trip in Kindergarten. A tornado killed them and I'm losing it and I don't have that luxury. HELLO!
So the next time I go to see her and she sits me down to chat about minutia like "was I hot or cold lunch and school" I say. "Listen-I know that you have your system, but this isn't helping. Every time I come here I look at you and you're my mom's age and she was a councilor and you're a councilor and I just want to scream because you're not her. And all I want to do is cry and talk about her and you won't even let me. I'm here because I need to cry. I would pay you $50 to just come in here and cry my head off for 45 minutes twice a week. That's what I want to do. When do we get to the part when I talk about THAT?"
She humored me and said "So, when you are freaking out, as you call it, what do you do?"
"I pray," I said.
"Okay, but what do you DO?"
She wouldn't accept that prayer WAS doing something and so I said
"Prayer is the most powerful thing I can do and if you don't see that, than we are done here."
"That's fine," she said, "I will give you a gift before you go, and I usually wouldn't do this, but I'm going to tell this and hopefully it will help you. You're right. I'm not your mother. No one is your mother. You mother is dead and she will never be back and until you stop looking for someone to be a mother to you,you will never find healing."
I can't even tell you what I thought of her "gift".
I can tell you, that for better or worse, I received it.
You don't have to receive "gifts or words" from people. I did. So I closed the windows of hope that I may ever find a mother-type figure in my life.
Well at home group Ali prayed that the Lord would send me a mother-type person and my heart hardened but I know Ali to be very open to the Holy Spirit and I trust her. When she prayed that, I just said, "Your will be done, Lord."
Tuesday, the Lord sent me a new friend. Her name is Patricia. She's the author of a book called Reflections of a Wyoming Shepherd on Psalm 23. I was doing a theme on my radio show on Psalm 23 and so I called the published of Patricia's book (available on her website www.patriciamac.com) to see if she was available for an interview.
As it turns out, Patty is local to Detroit and so she came into the radio station for our meeting.
She is beautiful and I have to be very honest and tell you something I didn't say to Patty. She looks A LOT like my mom. She showed up at the station wearing a buttery yellow blazer (mom's favorite color). She wore an angel lapel pin. Her hair was just like Mom's hair, her hands are just like Mom's were and looking in her eyes really was like looking into Moms. She's so bold and wise and it's just the coolest thing because we both know that God is in our brand new friendship more than just radio chick interviewing author.
She said "I'm praying for you and I'm going to keep praying for you, Shannyn. We're going to be great friends. God is up to something with us."
Now-NO, she's not gonna be my "new mama". She has children and they aren't me, but God IS up to something in us. I didn't tell her how much she looked like my mom but I did show her a picture of my mom and dad. She must have picked it up (she's sharp). Isn't it fun when you know that God is doing something?
I can't wait to see what it is.
Now I'm gonna check in with my heart and see if there is pain and if so,where it is.
My heart feels a little achy. It doesn't feel like brokenness. It's not like the pain I've been experiencing in the past. I honestly feel a healing. Praise the Lord.
I do have a little heart ache right now, but I don't think it's related to the tornado or loosing my mom and dad. I'm going to go ahead and ask the Lord to work on that heart ache right now and invite Him to handle the situation in my life that I think is making my heart hurt. I'm going to take three very slow and deep breaths and offer my heart to the Healer.
In that prayer time I felt the Lord was my heart with a warm, golden glow. I took the situation in my life and I handed it over to him. Thank you, Father.
You are the God of hope and I thank you that you are the same and that you are steady and strong. I thank you that you do not grow tired of my prayers and my neediness. I need you, Lord and even as my heart heals and is healed, I will still and always need you. I thank you for your warmth. I thank you for new friends and new hope. Walk with me and teach me your ways. You are good all the time and I put my trust in you.
Thank you for the cross and the freedom that we have because of it. Your resurrection is our greatest joy and hope and me thank you for it.
Thank you Jesus.
Romans 15:13 (Amplified Bible)
13May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope.