Day 26

On the anniversary of the tornado, I got a massage from my friend Ruby.
I completely let go and spent the time in meditation and here's what happened:
I dealt with the loss of Mom and Dad one at a time.
First Mom.
When thinking about the loss of Mom, this is what I experienced:
I remembered that Mom was blown into little pieces that were held together by her skin. Her voice box was broken, she was naked in the tree's across from our home. This kills me and killed her. I wish it was different. I wish she was warm and safe and old and surrounded by family.
I re-imagined the time of Mom's death like this:
Mom is broken into a million pieces and naked and I am there.
I lay next to her and I stroke her hair. I stroke her face. I tell her how much I love her and what a great mom she's been. I kiss her on the face and broken hands and tell her that she can let go. I tell her that Daddy will see her in Heaven and that she has done a great job. I just lay my body right on top of hers and hold her and pray for her outloud until she breaths her last and I scream in the sunrise "NO!"

God! It's so hard to live between Heaven and Earth.

For my dad, this is what I saw:
Dad's head was broken in half, and this is important because my father was a genius. He was brilliant and so to have his beautiful brain shattered is aweful. In my imagination, I found my dad and I held his skull together. I tucked his brain into his skull and I healed him with my hands. His forhead healed totally and he died.

I was thinking about two things then. One was the song from Casting Crown "Eistein on the Beach which says
Albert's always sincere, he's a sensitive type
His intentions are clear, he wanna be well-liked
If everything is nothing, then are we anything?
Is it better to be better than to be anything?
And Albert's vision is blooming uncontrolled
All his wings are slowly sinking
The world begins to disappear
The worst things come from inside here
All the king's men reappear
For an eggman, on and off the wall
Who'll never be together again
Einstein's down on the beach staring into the sand
Cause everything he believes in is shattered
What you fear in the night in the day comes to call anyway-ay
We all get burned as:
One more sun comes sliding down the sky
One more shadow leans against the wall
The world begins to disappear
The worst things come from inside here
And all the king's men reappear
For an eggman, on and off the wall
Who'll never be together again
Albert's waiting in the sun
On a field American
For the cause of some inflated form of hit and run
One more sun comes sliding down the sky
One more shadow leans against the wall
The world begins to disappear
The worst things come from inside here
And all the king's men reappear
For an eggman, fallin' off the wall
Will never be together again
Albert's fallen on the sun
Cracked his head wide open
The world begins to disappear
The worst things come from inside here
And all the king's men reappear
For an eggman, falling, falling
The world begins to disappear
The worst things come from inside here
And all the king's men reappear
For an eggman, fallin' off the wall
Will never be together again
No never be together again
No no never never never again, uh huh
What you fear in the night in the day comes to call anyway

Right now I am so sad I could drink to much. I will not.

This is true.
There is truth in this.
Right now I don't understand and I'm mad about it.
Right now I am standing between Heaven and Earth.

The other thing I was thinking of was a scene from the Lord of the Rings where Arowin was with her father Theodin
and he says to her, "My body is broken. I am finish."
and she says "No. No you're not. I am going to heal you."
She, I think knows that isn't true. She knows he's right, but she says it to out of love and hope.

These are my deepest thoughts and wishes. I wish I could have been there. I do.
Mostly, I wish they were here.

So, God has been great and healed my emptiness, yet I remain sad and angry and I am going to gage that right now and I invite you to do the same.

(pause)

Right now my sadness is at about a 3 on a scale of 1-10 and I'm amazed at how low that is and give the praise to Jesus who lives and heals.

Right now my anger is at about a 4 and the glory is His, as well.

I'm going to invite Jesus into the anger and sadness. I'm just going to close my eyes and see if I can see Jesus.

(pause)

Now, my sadness is at about a 2 and my anger is at about a 1. I'm just saying...time is the presence of the Lord heals.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you so much. I kiss you feet and wash them with my tears.

Prayer:
God, I thank you for our time together and the truth that when I draw near to you, you draw near to me. Thank you. I don't know how to live without you and I never want to know.
God, deal with me exactly where I am. You know me better than I know myself. Come into every corner, hidden or exposed and bring your light and love. I trust you and I love you. I commit and recommit this healing and life of mine into your hands. Thank you.
With all my heart I thank you and praise you. Send your spirit. I need you more than words can ever say. I am glad you know my heart. Heal it. Heal my mind. Kiss my parents for me and tell them how much I love them. Ask them to be with my children and help me, if you can and will, understand why it was okay for you to take them away when they really needed great grandparents. God, you are welcome into this. I make a way for you, Lord.

Scripture:
Isaiah 55:6-9(New International Version)

6 Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.

7 Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.