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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Day 2

March 9th
Today was really a good day, emotionally and I'm not just saying that.

Around 10:30 this morning, I told my boss about my plan to blog this pain and pray this pain and I asked for his blessing, which he gave.

Around 4:30 I checked in with my pain level to discern how big it was in my body. I was feeling well and was wondering if I was really feeling well or if I am just that used to being in pain that I interpret it as wellness.

Remember how yesterday, I had pain the size of a bowling ball in my chest which turned to pain and brokenness the size of a golf ball after praying and breathing and asking the Lord to fill the space? Well, today the pain is more like a marble. An "Aggie", yes, but a marble just the same.

That is a good sign. I confess today i had some wine, but I didn't even dip my baby toe into tipsy and I checked in with myself to make sure that I wasn't trying to cover pain and I wasn't.

It was just a good day.

My son sang in a concert at school. It was a genuine delight. The sun was out and it was warm and I enjoyed that, which can be a change in the spring.
Sometimes the change to warmth and the softening of the earth and the cool air and the sound of the birds breaks my heart and fills me with fear. In fact, just writing about it now is making my heart beat fast, so I won't.

In fact, right now, I invite the Lord into the space in my chest that is beating and broken. I ask you, Lord to fill the space with whatever you see fit.

I visited a friend in rehab tonight. I brought her socks, a purse, a cross, a c.d. of music, a Bible and a yoga mat.
Maybe helping her, helped me. Or, maybe it was just a good day.

Lord Jesus,
I thank you for today and it's blessings.
I thank you for the sunshine and the warm spring air and the chance to enjoy it.
I thank you for my family. My husband and children.
I thank you for the chance to be a help to someone else.
I pray the you will be with me tonight as I sleep.
I pray the you will be with me in my waking.
I pray you will be in my thoughts, even and especially in my most painful and joyful one's.
I pray that you will teach me how to surrender and trust the way that you did and do.
Jesus, be with me and show me how to heal.

Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord.
Wait for the Lord.
Be strong, let your heart take courage.
Wait for the Lord!

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